A LETTER TO MY BABY
To My Two Baby Girls,
First of all, I hope you like your names. I spent hours compromising with your father until he felt like his opinion mattered. But if you don’t like them, it’s his fault. He chose them. Just ask him...
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STICK A PENCIL IN MY RETINA
I was looking through some old flash drives today and found this pitch letter I wrote to an editor of some magazine way back in February 2009. I figured I’d share it in honor of everybody who has ever wanted to poke out their eyes from living like a Hobbit in a small Manhattan apartment (or anywhere else in the world)...
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THE PROBLEM WITH MARRYING
A TALL GUY
Ask any single girl what she’s looking for in a guy and I’d bet you a cheeseburger and glass of pinot that “tall” is at the top of her list.
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I get it. Tall guys are often big cuddly teddy bears that make you feel skinny even on your fattest day. They can reach that wine glass...
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BABIES SUCK
I woke up the other morning to my teething six-month-old sucking on my neck. At first, I thought it was the dog. Then the grogginess faded and I realized we don’t have a dog. I quickly pulled her away but it was too late. There it was. That faint purple bruise that could make even the most brazen teen sport...
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THE GIRLS
I have two daughters— a 2-year-old and a 5-month-old and although their names are Alexandra (Alex) and Charlotte (Charley) everyone insists on referring to them as “the girls.”
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While it’s a totally reasonable (and very accurate) description of them, no matter who says it (my mom, my boss, my husband, the guy who works the deli counter at the Acme) as soon as I hear it, I immediately think that they are talking about my boobs...
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I’m going to get hate mail for this—from my mother.
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I haven’t written anything in like two months. That’s because Tom and I moved… into a house. A house! (But that’s a post for another day).
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My mother helped us pack. Few things in life bring her as much joy as sorting, labeling and neatly stashing things away in an aesthetically pleasing way.
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She’s a hoarder’s worst nightmare. While a therapist will spend weeks convincing some poor old woman to throw out a block of cheddar cheese from 1962, my mother will throw a match through her window and convince her to chalk it up to...
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I'M SORRY JEANNE TRIPPLEHORN
I watched all of Big Love (HBO’s 2006 drama about modern day polygamists starring Bill Paxton and Jeanne Tripplehorn) angry at Tom because “How could a man be such a douchebag and cheat on his wife like that?” And worse, “What kind of self-loathing woman would allow her husband to treat her that way—sleeping with four different women right under her nose while she waits obediently for him with dinner prepared and a smile on her face? Jeanne Tripplehorn you are a disgrace to women!”
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Then I got married.
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